A Letter to the Mama With Empty Arms: You Are Not Alone

A Letter to the Mama With Empty Arms: You Are Not Alone

If you’re reading this, chances are you are 1 in 4, or you know someone who is. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage/pregnancy loss. I’m not one to share my private life publicly but I too was 1 in 4 and when it happened, it was the loneliest experience of my life. Reading and listening to other women’s stories who had gone through the same or similar experiences saved me. It helped me see the light again. It gave me hope. So I hope this blog can do that for you too.

On November 26th, 2019, I went in for my anatomy scan. I was excited to find out the gender of my baby, but deep down, looking back, I had this feeling that something wasn’t going to go quite right (even though I had zero physical indications to support that). It is important to note that I was 18.5 weeks along and I did experience an early loss at 5.5 weeks, which if you’ve been there, you know doctors are very casual about because “it happens all the time, its very common”. Feels quite dismissive if we’re being honest, because a loss is a loss, regardless of number of weeks. The moment you see that positive test, is the beginning of your endless love for your little bean.

I laid down on the bed and my heart instantly sank as the OB couldn’t find a heartbeat. His words were, “ its ok, your bladder is very full sometimes it makes it difficult. Go for the ultrasound and come back”. I knew my baby was gone. Even though he tried to sound casual, call it a motherly instinct, but I just knew. I waited for my ultrasound and got a tiny glimpse of my angel baby who was still. The ultrasound tech asked me to empty my bladder. Asked if I did all my first trimester screening and I said yes. Asked if I felt the baby moving yet and I said no. She then asked me to get dressed and go see the doctor, while trying to maintain a straight face. It was all the confirmation I needed.

When we (my husband and I) walked into the doctor’s office, I heard the most dreaded words any pregnant woman can hear, “I’m really sorry but there is no heartbeat”. I finally let out the cry I was holding in. My heart shattered. I was shocked, sad, angry, in denial, every emotion hit all at once, and yet, also numb. How could I be here again, experiencing a miscarriage THIS late?! Everything was “normal” how could this happen?? They told me I would have to deliver my baby.

On November 28th, 2019 my baby girl was born. I will spare you the details but it is something I do not wish upon any woman or parent. I was induced and laboured for over 24 hours before she was born. I then still had to have a D&C as I had retained placenta. I was in the maternal unit and all I could think while staring at the empty baby bed next to me was how unfair it was. I cried so much I was numb after a while. I got to hold my baby girl, name her and have a blessing before saying goodbye. When getting discharged, all I was given was the tiny blanket and mitts they gave her, and a small piece of white tape with her footprints. It felt...empty.

I remember thinking that I wish I had something else to hold onto and hug since I couldn’t hug her. For days (probably weeks it’s a bit of a blur), I laid on the couch hugging her tiny blanket close to my heart and face and just crying for hours on end. The pain was unbearable. All I could think was how could I have prevented this, did I cause this? Did we miss something? My brain knew it wasn’t anything I did but our mind is great at playing tricks on us while we're grieving.

I’m not here to tell you how to grieve and that you’ll forget about it because you won’t. Time helps heal but you do not forget. You will always wonder “what if” and how old they would be now. Time helps to soothe the pain a little. I knew after that experience that I wanted to somehow do something to help others going through pregnancy/infant loss I just didn’t know how.

Then in January 2021, my little miracle was born. It was a high-risk and stressful pregnancy but she made it here safely; my God the relief I felt when they put my healthy baby girl on my chest is a feeling you can't explain. I couldn’t believe she was finally here. My rainbow baby.

I was gifted a personalized blanket with her name and date of birth. This was the beginning of Embroider Me Baby. When I first saw Angel Bear a couple of years later at one of our manufacturer’s warehouse, I knew it was the “it” item I needed to give back to help others. We had named our angel baby, Angel Marie. Angel Bear is in her honour. For her and for all the babies that didn’t make it Earth side and for those who had to leave too soon. Angel bear is here to remind you that our babies and loved ones are always with us even when we cannot see them. We miss them like hell and my God does it hurt. But I need you to believe me when I tell you they never leave us. They want us to carry on even when it seems impossible to do so. When you need that hug in the quiet of the night, when no one is around, when you think nobody understands your pain, I hope Angel Bear brings you a little comfort. And most of all, I hope it brings you Hope and Faith. After all, the storm doesn't last forever and the sun will shine again.

To the mama reading this with tears in her eyes, your baby mattered. Your love and your grief matter. You are not alone. Keep that head high. There is no one stronger than you. And if no one has told you yet, whether your arms are empty or full, you ARE an amazing mom. You ARE a mom.

With every purchase of an Angel Bear, $5 will be donated to the Maternal & Child Program at Hennick Humber Hospital (formally Humber River Hospital) to help support their programs for pregnancy loss and grief resources for all losses. 

Resources & Support

If you are walking through pregnancy or infant loss right now, I need you to know this: you do not have to carry this pain alone. There are people, communities, and organizations ready to support you through the darkest moments.

Support Resources

Crisis Support

If your grief feels too heavy to carry or you are struggling with thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out immediately to a trusted person, healthcare provider, or crisis support line in your area. You deserve support, care, and compassion too.

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